Susie Davies, contributor on ‘Old, Alone & Stuck at Home’, discusses her experience of lockdown
by Susie Davies
Although happy to be a subject in this film, I am not happy with the title. Would you watch a programme with that title? It reeks of ageism, helpless seniors with nothing to do in lockdown but scream out of the window. It implies no inner resources or interests to occupy oneself. Being at home can be pleasant and not as imprisoning as the young would feel.
The word ‘old’ is not a compliment in our society, and sensitive people do not use it. I remember the first time someone offered me their seat on the tube. At first I was surprised and shocked that I must really look an OAP. Then I thought It was very sweet and polite of them and I gracefully accepted, for my own comfort and to encourage such courtesies. It is a cliché to say that age is relative. There are no rules and definitions and it is unpredictable. Even the rate at which the body and energy levels change vary from person to person. In spite of losing bits through operations, my life force is still strong. I don’t cultivate this, it seems to be a lucky given with my DNA.
What does seem to be pretty universal is that the way people feel inside does not change – they are still their younger selves.
Emotions and love are the same, but the experience to deal with them improves. Undeniably, a stranger has taken over on the outside, but that’s where it stops!
My experience of lockdown is good. I have been treated at the marvellous Royal Marsden Hospital for cancer for the last 3 years, so I had put myself into semi lockdown for a year before, because my immune system was compromised by chemo. I was experienced at limiting my life but I still saw friends for meals at their houses or mine.
Now I am in total lockdown as one of the 1.5 ‘shielded,’ and cannot go anywhere or see anyone and my life is 1/100th of what it was. But I am absolutely fine. I always have plenty to do; emails, phone calls, Zooming, reading, writing, drawing, normal domestic life and occasional writing projects. Add to that the richness of theatre, film, dance and museums online and the wealth of TV downloads, and the days fly by.
I really miss my friends and family in 3D. There is no substitute for cooking together and chatting over meals, sharing art exhibitions, the cinema and theatre, and being part of a crowd. My car was my best friend. I was always driving to visit different houses, gardens, or to stay with friends and explore new places at the weekends, and I miss those adventures. I should like to have visited my friends in Dorset who keep a small flock of Portland sheep, with horns, who named their firstborn lamb this year after me. What an honour. They called all their lambs after friends whom they were unable to see and it has become quite a soap opera.
Social media is a godsend, although no substitute for the real thing, with no touch, no embraces, no animals to stroke. I can keep talking to friends abroad far more than usual. I had a birthday in lockdown, dressed myself in party clothes, and had two Zoom parties. I missed a festive table, the cake, and the immediate appreciation of present opening, but it was lovely and flattering all the same. In fact, at one party there was a bonus because friends and relatives took part from abroad.
I am lucky because although I have cancer I remain well, thanks to my treatment at the Royal Marsden Hospital. In spite of the circumstances it is always a pleasure to go there because the atmosphere is calm and reassuring and the staff are so clever and lovely. I always say they have to be tested for niceness before they are employed. I still have to go there occasionally, but since it is not a general hospital with an A&E department, and the staff have been tested with a low level of positive results, I feel pretty safe. It’s the other patients who are possibly dangerous! I drive myself there and the joy of seeing the world and other people is indescribable, on this my only outing in life!
When I was first diagnosed with cancer, 2 friends gave me great advice, which I have followed; ‘Do not think of it as a battle.’
That makes perfect sense to me. Rather than regarding the body as a battlefield, setting one part against another, focus on the healthy parts and boost them with diet and positivity. Be kind to your body. I have also changed my reading and viewing habits in that I do not to want to experience anything too depressing or challenging but choose the sunnier view.
My GPs are also excellent and have given me first class care over decades. In the film I reacted negatively to their phone call to discuss signing a ‘Do Not Resuscitate ‘ clause on my medical notes. I jumped to the conclusion that they were contacting me in order to ration Intensive Care Resources in hospitals. I had several questions and rang them back to discover I was wrong; it was to avoid the results of often catastrophic resuscitation after heart failure, not Covid19. I hope that this is clear in the programme, and they realise I am still a very grateful patient.
For we ‘shielded’, it could be a very long haul indeed until we are set free and I don’t know how I shall feel a few months on.
The only way to keep going, I find, is to have routines and to set myself tasks, mental and physical. I am not depressed because I haven‘t developed cancer as a young person so I am not being cheated of my life, except that I wanted to reach 100. I have had the best medical treatment possible and do not feel doomed, in spite of the prognosis. In fact, I am definitely not alone because we cancer patients are now one in every two. When I go into the Marsden I always see people worse off than me, old and young. I can look back on my interesting life, with great jobs in market research, media and teaching English as a Foreign language to Chinese people of all ages. I have been learning all the time, and travelled a lot.
I look forward to extending my life as much as possible, and enjoying it. I fill my life with enjoyable activities, (except the cleaning – how I miss my cleaner Gladys. My window boxes need replanting, so there isn’t the nice view out of my windows there used to be, but it wouldn’t be fair to ask Gladys or my young gardener to risk bringing in the virus, until things change for the better.) There is still plenty to learn at the click of a button and the time to exploit it and research into any random topic that comes up. Talking to people everyday keeps the adrenalin going, deciding what to wear, what to eat, what to watch, and generally keeping choices alive, rather than backing into a corner.
So far so good, especially when the sun shines!
